The Inevitable Result of Dinosaur Porn

I didn’t set out to write erotica, but the universe conspired to make it so.  I was writing my first novel under the pseudonym I use to blend in with earthlings, and I noticed an interesting phenomenon: my characters wanted to have sex all the time. Yes, there were times when they were able to keep their clothes on, but many times I sat at my keyboard frowning and muttering, “What the fuck? Why do you guys keep having sex?” That book was not intended to be erotica, but nipples and erections kept flying all over the pages, only to be revised when I was sober and/or not ovulating.

And then I discovered Dinosaur Erotica, which I quickly renamed Dinosaur Porn because it’s funnier. Now, I’m not as freaky deaky as a Dinosaur Pornista might be, and I was not aroused by this new trend.

But I was obsessed.

It was all I talked about for weeks. Meeting friends at the Cantina for drinks? Be prepared to talk about raptor dicks. Boarding a spaceship to Sextans A? (That’s a real galaxy). Let’s discuss Sex Tons, eh? As in–A TRICERATOPS WEIGHS SEVEN TONS, HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH A HUMAN? I forwent all grown-up discussions of politics, education, music, and feminism in favor of a laser-focused mission to spread this obsession with Dinosaur Porn. I am still surprised how so very few wanted to discuss this with me.

It is not Dinosaur Porn’s fault that it did not live up to my expectations. By the time I actually read some of it, I had built it up so much that the only direction left for it was down. I suppose if Margaret Atwood, JK Rowling, and Jean M Auel had worked together, it could have approached the magic I assumed it would be. But, as far as I know, they have not done this yet.

My friends then had to deal with the heartbreak wrought by Dinosaur Porn Disappointment, commonly known (in certain circles) as DPD. The solution, of course, was to write my own damn porn. Since I swear to you I am not turned on by dinos, I thought, Why not just create a universe where anything could happen? I didn’t want it to be magical, though, just in case the trio above were working on anything–I mean, how could you compete with that? So I settled for futuristic science fiction with bendy world rules.

Who knows? Maybe there’s still a planet out there full of horny dinos.

I don’t think this is the one I read, and it may not cause any DPD for you. Click on the image to find it at Amazon.

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